Let’s talk about cheating today.  And when I say “cheating,” I don’t mean looking at your fifth-grade neighbor’s spelling test to figure out how to spell “recalcitrant.”  I’m talking about the most abhorrent act that can take place in a relationship.  CHEATING ON YOUR MOTHERFUCKING BOYFRIEND.  Now, in case you haven’t noticed by the fury harbored in my excessive capitalization, I have been cheated on.  Multiple times, apparently.

To clarify, however, I should probably establish what cheating is.  When a husband and wife/husband and husband/wife and wife (not to be taken in order of legitimacy/coolness/whatever) have effectively ended their marriage but have not yet gotten around to completing the divorce, I am totally cool with either party doing what they will with their own god-given genitalia.  If, however, you have a boyfriend, and he says, “I’m going to a party with a guy, and we’re going to jerk each other off, but we won’t cum, so it’s okay,”  then I have something called the CHEAT ALERT EMERGENCY KIT!  Let’s take an inventory of what comes in this kit:

1.  Common sense:  Yes, technically this does not come in a physical kit, per se, but if you are fed the line, “Honey, I was just trying to check him for testicular cancer.  I used my tongue because I thought it would have increased sensitivity to lumps,” and you buy this line, the kit is useless to you anyways.  Go back to oblivion.

2.  One bottle of cranberry juice and vodka with accompanying wine glass:  This is useful for the very appropriate drink-in-the-face moment.  Make sure that you leave some beverage in the bottle to drink after.  Oh, and keep the bottle in case article 3 of the kit ends in not such an ideal way.

3.  Elbow pads: Let’s face it, if you’re going to drop ‘bos, make sure you’re wearing protection.

Let me just clarify how the kit works.  You use the common sense to identify your cheatin’ man.  You throw your drink on him and (preferably) all over his white Armani.  Finally, with the help of your handy dandy elbow pads, you lay the smackdown on his cheating ass.  Now, if he doesn’t go down with the first elbow-smash to the face, you break out your bottle, break your bottle on the bitch, and then break off another guy later that evening.

Finally, I’m not going to bullshit you on what it takes to get over a broken relationship like all those magazines you see with Miley Cyrus on the cover.  I will tell you exactly what it takes to get over a shitty guy:

AT LEAST 2 GIGS OF REALLY GOOD PORN!!